Sadness

So far this month has been filled with ups and downs...

My friend’s sister-in-law gave birth to a little boy was born with a defect in one of his heart valves, after two open heart surgeries, he is finally home with his family. Another surgery is to follow in about 5-6 months.

The musician at my wedding passed away. He had been sick for a while, so it was reassuring in that he was not taken from his family too soon. He was an elder--in his 80's. He lived a long, love filled life with 7 beautiful, talented and prosperous children, each with children of their own. My only regret is I didn't keep in touch with him like I should have.

My husband celebrated his 35th birthday in the manner in which most single men might like to enjoy it... at Hooter's wearing balloon boobs, of course. ::shrug:: I don't understand it, but the pictures I saw where actually quite hilarious and very demeaning toward women. Hopefully a future employer won't find these. Our two-year old was not up for a night on the town; therefore, I played babysitter while daddy enjoyed his boobs... I mean, booze. :\

Yes, he is still unemployed. The Monday after Thanksgiving will be exactly one year since he had a real, full-time job. He has had jobs that paid, some even paid well, but none were permanent. This month he has been on two interviews. That is very exciting—then I heard on the news there are at least 8 people applying for every position available. I just hope someone picks my husband.

The Air Force is looking less and less like a possibility. Since April I have lost 30 pounds, but I seem to have hit a plateau. I have held firm at goal weight + 10. Those last 10 pounds need to come off. I have changed my entire routine to accommodate exercise and diets. I guess I will either have to wait until June to apply or give up the attempt.

We are supposed to be going to my grandparents this Thanksgiving. I am very much looking forward to it but there are no funds for gas. I am hoping my mother’s “new to her” minivan will have enough room for us, them and all out belongings. I sent out an extraordinarily long e-mail to everyone scheduled to ride with together: mom and dad; me, hubby and the kid; sister and her live in boyfriend. I was terribly long. My mother claimed 30-minutes were spent reading my email. I offered a prize to the first person to respond to that email—just to see who would actually read it and follow the instructions—I thought my mother would be the only one. And she was. My sister and her boyfriend never even mentioned the email and my dad claimed to have simply skimmed it. Where is the love?? Lol… it was all in fun. But, my mother will get a prize—prize to be determined.

Ok, that’s all for now. Just in case… Happy Thanksgiving. J

Two Months Later and it still hurts

It’s been over two months since my last post. My life has changed.

To get you caught up I have attached the epic novel also known as “a day in the life of me”. I tried to make it as short as possible. Needless to say… that didn’t really work out so well.

June 20th

I was scheduled to be 2nd shooter at a wedding for the studio with whom I freelance. At 4 AM my husband wakes me up complaining the steak he had for dinner the night before has been lodged in his esophagus since the first bite—he had not been able to force it down or drink water. In an effort to remain calm, I gave him the choice of going to the ER or sticking it out to see if it will pass on its own. He chose to stick it out. Fine. He went to work around 8 AM and I left for the wedding around 10 AM. By this time, I had already contacted the studio and advised them of the situation. I complained to my friend (also the studio owner) about my husband’s lack of pro-action; also I offered suggests on how to get the job done if I was to be delayed because of an eventual ER visit. She agreed and instructed me to keep her posted. No problem.

In the mean time, I am in “constant” contact with my husband via text message. Around 11 AM he said he was still not able to eat or drink—by this time over 12 hours had passed since the steak became lodged. I was getting increasingly concerned, angry, scared, etc. I gave him another choice: go to the doc-in-the-box or the ER; but, do NOT stay at work. End of discussion. He said he would head to the doctor. Great. As a side note, I work in the health insurance industry full time, so I called some of my nurse co-workers to see if they had advice. No one returned my calls. Fine. I have one friend who is a physician, so I called her. In the calmest and sweetest southern drawl she said, "go to the ER, immediately." Ok. I knew it was a serious situation, but really? The ER?

During this whole time, I am in “constant” contact with the studio via text message. By this point, arrangements have been made for the 3rd and 4th shooters to be at the wedding to take my place and I would go to the reception site to get the set-up shots. (Yes, that’s right it takes two shooters to equal me, but that’s not the point I’m trying to make.) Anyway, we arrive at the ER, fill out all the paper work and (since we didn’t arrive by ambulance) we wait. Once the ER doctor realized my husband had food lodged in his esophagus we were escorted to a room, and my husband was set up on an IV of saline. The doctor comes in and starts shooting the breeze, just chit chatting about various hobbies my husband enjoys. (Later, I learned it was an effort to get him and, ultimately, his throat to relax and allow the food to pass naturally.) After several minutes, the food was still lodge. Keep in mind, the food is right at the top of the stomach and bottom of the throat, so he could still breathe absolutely fine, he just wasn’t able to eat or drink. Then the doctor indicated my husband would have to be injected with several difference muscle relaxers, a blood pressure medicine and insulin as a second resort to dislodging the food. If those didn’t work: endoscopy, to extract the food manually.

This next part might make you think I don’t care, but the reality is my husband has been laid off from work twice in the past 9 months; with the most recent being mid-April. So, by the time this happened he had been laid off from his full-time job two months and was working part-time: Sat and Sun only. We have a kid to care for; we cannot go without him working or me working my freelance. So I felt a HUGE obligation to be at the wedding/reception; not for the sake of the bride or the studio, but so I could feed my child with the money I would be paid from shooting. With this in mind, I called my husband’s BFF to come and sit at the ER while I left to shoot the wedding. My thoughts were: he’s at the ER; he’s safe; if anything goes horribly wrong, he’s in the best place possible. I hated leaving and felt like a loser wife, but I had/have to take care of the one person on the planet who depends on me: my child.

While all this is going on, I am still in contact with the studio via text. I message her with my plans of leaving the ER and heading to the reception site to shoot. I never hear back from her, and in all honesty, I didn’t expect to hear back from her since, by this time, the wedding had started and she couldn’t take her eyes off the bride. I fully expected her to contact me once the wedding was over and they were starting the after ceremony pictures. But I never did. The wedding started at 2 PM, I made it to the reception site also at 2 PM. Normally a wedding will last 30-minutes or longer. Since this wedding was not filled with ceremonial traditions, I assumed the wedding would last 30-45 minutes; the formal post-ceremony portraits would last another 30 minutes and then the 20-minute drive from the church to the reception. Any reasonable person who has attended at least two weddings in their life time could conclude the primary shooter would have arrived at the reception site around 3:30 PM. Right? MAYBE 3:45 if the wedding started late or the pictures ran a little long.

While I am at the reception, the medicines my husband had been given didn’t relax him enough for his throat to release the food, he ended up having to be sedated and scoped to remove the food. Granted, my mind was not exactly focused on the job at hand; however, I thought if the situation were reversed and this was my gig and I knew one of my employees was a bit over stimulated, what is the least I would do? Send the 3rd/4th shooter as relief as quickly as possible? Right? That’s what you would think happened. But, nope, that’s not what happened at all.

Around 4 PM the 3rd shooter did show up. When he arrived, I let out a sigh of relief and nearly burst into tears, the type of tears you get when you have been rescued from a never ending nightmare. But just as my eyes welled up and a smile barely crossed my lips…he walked right past me without speaking. Shock and disbelief are not powerful enough words to fully describe how I felt at that exact moment. Yes, the 3rd shooter did show up but he did not show up to relieve me. Oh, no. I found out later, he had been instructed by the “bride” to photograph the band and the cake. (Uhm… What!??!!? Is that not what *I* was doing there?) Fearful I might miss the bride and groom’s arrival (they had not arrived yet when #3 showed up) I didn’t leave my post by the front door. I had shot the cakes, all the food, the set-ups, nearly every guest at the reception; therefore, I felt I had nothing left to capture. Around 4:10 the newlyweds arrived. I rebussled the bride’s train and with a smile and a flash, I captured their entrance into the reception, their first dance and some pictures of them mingling with family and guests.

My friend (and studio owner) did not show up until 430 PM!!! Nearly an HOUR after I expected her. When I finally saw her, I again sighed a huge sigh and nearly burst into those tears I described earlier; only this time, add in the fact I wanted to punch her in the mouth and run to my car, never looking back. She approached me with a look of grief; she gave me a hug and I began to tremble from all of the adrenaline and emotions. She said, “We need to talk.” I thought to myself, “You’re d@mn right we need to talk.”

We ended up going into a side hall where we had some privacy. We began with chit chat: how did the wedding go, how’s your husband, etc. Once the formalities were out of the way the dialog went something like this (paraphrased, of course):

Me: What took so long for you to get here?
Her: The pictures ran long.
Me: Ok… but why were you over 20 minutes delayed after the bride and groom?
Her: Traffic.
Me: Fine. What’s up with #3? He came in, didn’t speak and I haven’t seen him since.
Her: The bride wanted to make sure the band and cake got shot.
Me: I shot them. But he (the #3 shooter) didn’t even check-in with me (the #2 shooter). He dropped off his gear, moved his car, came back to grab his gear and I haven’t seen him since.

She gave me the same excuse about having to shoot the band and the cakes and he was just doing what he was told, blah, blah, blah…

Me: So, you mean to tell me, he doesn’t have to check-in with me, the lone shooter of the reception—forget about the fact my husband is in the ER and I might need to leave—because he was told by “the bride” to shoot x,y,z, when you know good and well I am here, capturing those very things WHILE my husband is in the EMERGENCY ROOM with food lodged in his throat? I have not had enough time to stop and take a break with going to the ER and then here. I have not had any lunch and now it’s going on dinner time.
Her: Well #3 has low blood sugar and he canceled his morning appointments to come to the church to take your place.
Me: #3 HAS LOW BLOOD SUGAR? Oh, please…at least he has had time to stop and get something to eat before he arrived at the church. I haven’t. I left my house with the full intension of going to the church; but instead I ended up at the ER, where there is no buffet or even an opportunity to grab a bite; I stayed there as long as I could until I had to be here (at the reception site); waited over an HOUR for SOMEONE to show up to relieve me and when that someone does shows up he doesn’t even check-in with me to see what, if anything, I DID capture? And now you’re standing here telling me it’s all my fault that I didn’t get a break??
Her: Well, there has definitely been a lack of communication in this situation.

Feeling she was insinuating that it was me who failed to communicate, I went OFF:

Me: What? “A lack of communication?” Are you kidding me? I have been in COMPLETE contact with you: texts, phone calls… You have been made FULLY aware of what I am doing; however, *I*, on the other hand, am in the dark. You have been “courting” me to become “partners” with you in your studio and you think *I* have a communication problem??? #1, I think… no, I KNOW I need to leave. I can’t believe what I am hearing, I can’t believe this is actually happening like this, I can’t believe you are defending HIM. I better leave before I say something I might regret.
Her: Yes, I think you better leave.

There is so much I am leaving out for the sake of sparing your eyes from reading every detail; I know it doesn’t really look like it, but it’s true. For example (real short, I promise): the newlyweds were so late to their own reception, the mother of the bride asked me where they were. Well, I didn’t know, I was wondering that myself. I said: “Ma’am, I’ve been here since 2, I haven’t talked with #1 since before the wedding. I’d be happy to call her for you.” Of course the mother was in agreement. When I called #1’s cell phone, the #5 “shooter” answered and was snippy with me even though I had explained the bride’s mother was inquiring.

::sigh::

I was so very angry at #1, at the situation, at #3, at my husband, at the world, that I called my good friend, Macy, in a panic. She and I have been friends a short time, but we clicked instantly. I had confided in her about my concerns with joining the studio and possibly giving up my own studio, my own vision, long before this day. So, while I was driving to meet up with my husband, I called her. While I was recapping everything that had transpired over the past 5 hours, I was getting even more worked up about the situation; and as I progressed through the day’s events, it started to sink in that I was doing her a “favor” by ensuring the reception site had coverage and she didn’t seem to care my husband was ill. As I repeated to Macy the words exchanged in the conversation #1 and I had, it became more and more clear that I could not even consider joining her studio. The dream of quiting my full time job after 13 years and work full time as a photographer was crashing down around me; my husband was very ill and I was not able to be with him. My lungs became tight, I was beginning to struggle to breath and I started hyperventilating, I got tunnel vision and my ears went deaf. I was only 2 minutes from my destination; I realized if I didn’t calm down, and calm down quickly, I would pass out and crash my car. I later learned I had post traumatic stress syndrome.

It took nearly 2 days for me to have the ability to tell my husband what happened the day of the wedding. And then I had to tell him in segments, so I wouldn’t get myself wound up again.

Today, as I type this blog entry, it's still very difficult to comprehend the events of that dreadful day, my husband takes medication every day for Eosinophilic Gastroenteritis, he is still unemployed 2 months later and I still work with the same studio. I have made every attempt to schedule a face-to-face meeting with #1 to discuss this situation (and others); and as of today, we have had no such meeting. Other situations have come up that I feel were not handled nor sufficiently discussed. Therefore, the future I thought I had with the studio will never be.

Although, I am no longer considering being #1’s partner, we still work together on various projects on an as needed basis. She helps me on my studio’s projects and I help her with hers. But my mind and heart will not allow me to sign any contract of partnership with her. I’d have to sacrifice so much to be her partner, and yet, she’s not willing to reciprocate. That, to me, is not a partnership. In her insinuation that I have poor communication skills, with that frame of mind, she does not yet know I will never partner with her. Selfish? Yes. Childish? Probably. Regrets? None.

And I am grateful to have a "healthy" husband, no matter how ... fill in the blank ... I think he is. I am grateful to have an opportunity to work with #1 without my worry of a partnership agreement and all the concerns about closing my studio. I am happy to say my husbands unemployment has kicked in and we are surving on that, my income and the benevolence of family and friends.

Brief Update

I just want to give a brief follow-up to my last post:

Everyone is fine. Now. A series of doctor visits are to follow. Details of those will be available as the appointments happen.

Hind sight is 20/20 and so I probably overreacted. Slightly. I am still pissed and have been compiling my documentation to insure I post accurate accounts of the events.

I still have a life changing decision to make, but it's not as easy as it seemed to be when I posted last.

I will post most of the details in my next post. Advise on how to proceed will be solicited.

So much for a "boring" life.

I liked boring much better.

I'm feeling faint.

today.

was.

the worst day.

of.

my.

life.

Little/no sleep last night.
Research illness, determine death is a possible outcome.
ER visit.
Potential nervous breakdown in the middle of a wedding while shooting it.
Being treated like low-man-on-totem-pole by the low-man-on-totem-pole.
Mild anxiety attack.
Moderate anxiety attack while driving, coupled with hyperventilating and high blood pressure, tunnel vision and an overwhelming desire to cuss someone.
Contemplating a life altering decision.

On the up side... it can only get better.

Right?

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda...

I should really blog about WTH is going on in my life right now.

But it's the same crap, just different days with a slightly more downward turn.

Although, that's not completely accurate.
Hubby did get that temp job. And he was able to work 36+ hours last week. So his paycheck Friday will be decent. But the hours for this week looks like they will max out at a whopping 16!!

WHOA! Stop the bus... :\

It sux.

Big time.

One of my BFFs had a spare Verizon phone, so I was able to remove the data plan from my package. According to the Customer Service Rep I saved $61! yippy. (Can you feel the sarcasm?) I am waiting for another "friend" to send me another Verizon phone so I can get the Hub's data package removed and possibly save ANOTHER $60+.

Here's what I have learned about Verizon and cell phones...

If you have a PDA/Smartphone like my Treo or a BlackBerry, Verizon requires you to have a data package in addition to your monthly minute/text plan. For me, that was an additional $30-$45 per month on my plan (not including taxes and all the extras they tack on). Now multiply that by two (me and the hubster), and you have an additional $60 to $90+ per month in cell phone bills.

Since Hubby and I both had data packages we were not able to combine our accounts to "share" minutes. I don't know why. We just weren't. I never asked because, at the time, it never bothered me to have two separate accounts. But that was when he was working and making decent money.

So... With the impending arrival (Thank you "O", AHA: JT) of a second non-PDA/Smartphone my "partially employed" husband will be able to have the data package removed from his plan, we will be able to consolidate accounts, share minutes and further decrease our monthly spending because Verizon offers a $9.99 add a line plan. Potentially saving me another $40-$50 per month.

That's a total combined savings of almost: $175 per month. (That's a weeks worth of daycare and a full tank of gas for me (one week) and my husband (a month, at the rate he's going without a job).

By now you're probably wondering my I don't just cancel one or both of the phones all together? Well, I'm so glad you asked. I'll tell you...

We don't have a home phone. Years ago we felt having a home phone was superfluous. So we killed it. I've heard about a home phone that's $19.99 per year. I haven't checked into it because I'll be honest... people won't call it. If they want to talk to me... they call my cell. They don't want to call the house, get Hubby and have to ask for me. People are lazy. So am I. It's easier to just keep my cell phone. (For now.)

HubbyHub is job hunting and needs to have a reliable way for people to get in touch with him. Although, I don't really know how "reliable" it will be if it gets disconnected because we can't afford to pay the $120+ monthly bill.

Me? What about me? Well... It's impossible to run a business without a way for people to contact me. Yes, I have a "real" corporate job. But I would lose that job if I were to try to run my photography business from there. As I have previously established, Hubby is "unemployed" so we need some income to be able to pay for what is absolutely necessary: mortgage, gas, groceries, daycare, etc. I supposed I could cancel it if we had a home phone, but what about all of the business cards with my number on them? These are potential clients that could potentially give me money.

Additionally, I feel every woman should be have a cell phone. If I were to get into an accident, get stranded, fall ill while drive (not likely, but still). There would be no way to get in touch with my family to let them know and if EMTs or police had to contact someone to get permission to perform services to help me, they wouldn't have a clue who to contact in an emergent situation. I've been stranded on the side of an extremely busy expressway, in the middle of winter without a phone. It's not fun. In fact, it's frightening. No one stops, and when they do you're either too desperate to care about your safety or you're so overly cautious you don't allow them to help you. I felt very helpless and vulnerable. (And if you know me personally, you know I just can't allow that to happen ever again.) I even bought my 21-year-old sister a phone because her's died and she couldn't afford another one. She got stranded, and at the time her phone didn't work.

Another reason Hubby or I should not be without a cell phone is because we have a child. Since I work 30+ minutes from home (not to mention the road construction planned for the next 5 years), I would be able to call the daycare and let them know one of my parents will be picking up Cuddle Bug. Further saving me $5 per minute every minute I was late. (And you know... just as soon as I cancel my cell phone one or all of those horrific things will happen.)

We'll try combining accounts first. If I see we're still "wasting" money on cell phones... well, then...

I might just consider suspending my number.

Temporarily.

Temp

The hub got a temp job.

He starts Thursday.

It's better than nothing.
I am proud of him for feverishly job hunting.

Maybe this temp gig will find it's way to a better paying, full time, with benefits, Monday through Friday, 8 to 5 gig.

in the meantime I've:

1. contacted the mortgage company about a Loss Mitigation Plan
2. contacted my 401(k) agents and decreased (50%) my contribution
3. met with my HR rep and decreased my federal and state tax withholdings
4. contacted the leasing company on my car about a re-fi
5. found a suitable, non-data package requiring cell phone so I can decrease (50%) my bill
6. made payment arrangements with the power company for last month's payment
7. made payment arrangements with the water company for last month's payment
8. adjusted my credit card payment (50%) to reflect only the minimum due

::sigh::

what else can I do? I am open to suggestions...

He got laid

off.

Again.

I'm feeling...

I'm feeling weepy.

Is it ME?

or the economy?

Such a Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.

Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lip stick:

Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.

I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'so, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?

I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies,
'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone B!T(H, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time:

PRICELESS